its been a long while

I need to get back to blogging.. I like to think of it more like journaling with access. Yes just what you always wanted, to be able to read what is on my mind.

I have such great thoughts during the wee hours of the morning, its too bad this doesn't record those thoughts.  oh the images in your mind!

Well not sure if I should post a down and dirty of the last oh my gosh has it been 3 years!!!

2015- in December 14/January 15 we traveled to LA- then Fiji-then Australia
my son moved to Canada with me in August

We did our usual camping, biking, hiking that year

2016 the year we got into mountain biking so much so that we both bought new full suspension bikes and had a blast riding that 1st year lots of learning and exploring

That was also the year my mom died. She had congestive heart failure for the last 10 years and I am forever grateful that I moved up here to be closer to them. And as much as you know we are all going to die, it is absolutely heart wrenching when you have to experience it.  My mom was 10 days in the hospital and I was with her the last night, it is amazing how your words change when you know you are in those final days.  They become less but with more meaning, (if that makes sense).  My mom and I did share many good talks that last week, and her last night was very poignant.  In her confusion she wanted to leave and I had to tell her, that she was dying and that we are doing our best in keeping her comfortable.  That was the hardest thing I had to say to her. Her last few words were, you won't forget me? Those words still bring me to tears today (almost 2 years later) We were able to share a bit more that night but by 4am she finally settled in, I went home that morning at 7am didn't get much sleep because I was turning mom every half hour.  I remember feeling very lost that week.  We were all spending as much time as we could at the hospital as one does when you have a family member in that condition.  I drove home, usually that was my time to cry, did not matter where I was driving but my car was my sanctuary, that is where the real talks to God happened, the tears the begging the pleading the promises.. yeah we all have those times.  Anyway I got home, showered and climbed into bed.  I slept, but a strange feeling came over me, and that woke me up.  About 5 minutes later the phone rang, the call that literally ripped my heart out of my chest.  The words you keep hearing because your mind can be so mean, she died, she died.
Scrambled to the hospital, the following weeks were, well they just were, you go thru the motions of looking like you're okay when really you are so not.  Spent time with dad and made the plans and prepared for all the stuff you have to do when someone dies.  The celebration of life was pretty awesome but that's because my mom truly LIVED her life.  I would share all that she was but that will probably take a whole other page on just her!

So that was July 2016 - In August I started a new job, and spent my lunches usually at my dads and if not lunch I would go visit him after work, I have to admit it was hard seeing him alone and so very sad.  There were literally 3 occurrences that I just drove by, but could not go in, for that I am truly regretful. 

December 2016- Our Christmas we had my dad over for our celebration and it truly was an amazing day and evening with him.  We took pictures of us being silly, we had the traditional meal that he was so fond of, and then we opened presents, and enjoyed the evening just talking. Talking about his life, his childhood, his memories.  (wish I would have recorded that!)

March 2017 my dad had a heart attack and was in our general hospital, he was there waiting for 3 days before they could send him an hour north for an angiogram and angioplasty (he had that done 15 years prior and dr said they only last about that long so we thought this could be a simple procedure)
Finally got word that they were transporting him on Tuesday morning for the surgery, went to see him, he was pretty spent.  We spent night in hotel, saw him the next morning, he looked amazing, colour in his face, sitting on the edge of the bed having breakfast, telling the nurse and us jokes, yup that was my dad... always wanting to make people laugh.  Dr said he would be transferred the next day if he continues to do so well.  And as my dad would do, he sent us off to go to home and that we will see him tomorrow.  We left on such a high.. giddy you would say.  Of course I see it now as the calm before the shitstorm! Got home about 11am and at 2pm got a call from the hospital that dad was not doing well.  My sister was going to wait til the cardio dr called, I jumped in the car with my bf driving (thank God) headed for the hospital, got there about 3ish and he was on oxygen, still talking but clearly in a lot of pain.  Talked to dr's and they made it sound like he could come back from this, they said he on the operating table he had another heart attack, and he came back from that and that was worse then what this was.  I was in shock, I was trying to make sense out of seeing him just hours before with colour and life and jokes, and know he's on oxygen and struggling and in pain.  We were able to converse, my questions were more are you in pain, what can I do, his were.. this is where the documents are, this is what I want done.  And then the words no child (adult or not) wants to hear from their parent.  My dad says to me, I'm going to the other side today, well my response was tears and of course pops says to me, don't cry.. oh ya sure pops... Made the call to my sibs to come asap, and then for the next hour I shared all my funny memories of him when I was young, and all the love I have in my heart until he was sleeping more. At 7 pm he died.  I still have issues saying that, writing that and thinking that,yup tears. Not sure if that will ever go away.

So needless to say the balance of 2017, I was numb, lost, it is amazing what grief does to you. 
Us kids commemorated moms date of death, and since we are now all that we have, is each other, we make a point to get together, to call, to be there for one another, we were close and we definitely have gotten much closer. 

We just had the one year of dad's death and that was quite the feat for me.  The day of, you play everything over in your mind, everything that happened that day, the hour you were on the way home, the hour back on road there, the conversations, every last detail. No I don't know why, again I think the mind can be cruel.  The next day though, was the most strangest and my sister and I both had the same feelings.  We woke up knowing WE survived, that we made it, we were relieved, and happy yet sad.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

A Time for Everything

 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

 A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
 A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

 A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
 A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

(I think I might be ready to dance again)

Face it!

You are not for everyone....

The world is filled with people who, no matter what you do will point blank not like you. But it is also filled with those who will love you fiercely. They are your people. You are not for everyone and that's OK. Talk to the people who can hear you.

Don't waste your precious time and gifts trying to convince them of your value, they won't ever want what you're selling. Don't convince them to walk alongside you. You'll be wasting both your time and theirs and will inflict unnecessary wounds, which will take precious time to heal. You are not for them and they are not for you, politely wave them on, and continue along your way. Sharing your path with someone is a scared gift, don't cheapne this gift by rolling yours in the wrong direction.

KEEP FACING YOUR TRUE NORTH!!!!

In Memory- Ken W

To a man I met 30 years ago, you were a gentle man, caring, loving and loved the Lord.  Our families shared so many wonderful times together.  The afternoon swim and bbq's, going out for the "buffet" on Saturdays, DIRTbiking in Calico, so many many camping trips.  You with the old Ford truck and the camper on top, us in the van conversion- dirtbikes in tow, camping in Death Valley in spring and cruising on the dirt bikes, going to the sand dunes, seeing the racetrack, or the petrified forest, visiting Scotties Castle.  Or the time we did Yellowstone National Park (and your young daughter filling the top bed on the camper with all her stuffed animals, how you laughed!) and watching Old Faithful, walking the trails of the geyers, and then being amazed at the buffalo herd that would not move off the road! Or how about those moose!  So many places we had traveled to together as a family, so many campfires making smores, so many campfires stories and laughs!

Which I am so grateful for now, because those adventurous trips, or weekends away are now beautiful memories that I cherish.
You were there for all my babies, you and your wife (my Louise!) you both showered us with love and spent time with us, watched us grow as a family as well. You were there in the good times, there in the hard times.  We are friends.
I am thankful that our paths not only crossed but intertwined in such an amazing way, yes God knows what He is doing when He brings people into your life.  You have a new place now.. your heavenly home.. you will be missed, because you are loved.

MAYbe..RAINbow...

View your life with kindsight. Stop beating yourself up about things from your past. Instead of asking "what was I thinking?" Breathe and ask yourself the kinder question "what was I learning?"

Now I can do that.. but what about when you find yourself in the same situation, yes I learned something first time around.. but now what?  Please don't say relearn or maybe I didn't learn and only thought I did.. I call BS

Why are things so dang difficult.. why can't people just be frigging honest.. why can't they just "say something" 
seriously losing hope.. yes.. all very sad.. but then maybe I have too much hope and need to be more realistic.. especially with those around me.. Stop looking for the rainbow.. and recognize that its RAINING.

SAY...

Went to LA a few weeks ago.  Had a wonderful time in the sun, and warmer weather! While I was there of course in my rental car, cruising on the freeways.. and blaring the radio.. and on comes this song.  Say something... WOW.. talk about blow me away.. yes right there on the freeway.  Such a sweet song, sad.. but sweet..

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...



To be able to love like this.. to be able to know that they are the one, that they are the one you would follow to the ends of the earth.  To know that love is so much more than who we are, yes love makes us do things that normally we wouldn't... yes swallow your pride.. and what's even harder is to love and to have to say good bye to that love, to say.. i'm giving up on you.. love sure changes you.

My hope is that those that find love, know how truly blessed they are, and that they would never fear saying something! and to never give up especially when the two feel as one..

per chance to dream..

Dreams.. sometimes very welcoming depending on the content of such dream, of course if you wake up sweating, shaking and breathing hard (adreniline pumping) that's not so much a dream as it is a nightmare unless of course you consider the content.. why are you sweating, shaking and breathing hard.. haha.. yes there are other activities that can make you respond that way.  My mind seems to be more active while I sleep, I am sure that's not true but it sure feels like it when you wake up and feel very exhausted.  Waking up numerous times in the night does not help my disposition either.  Yes I can be cranky.. I can also be very quiet which can be construed as "in a bad mood"... funny how that works.  I had one of those restless nights again.. and my brain actually hurts right now.  I think its from the lack of rest..or maybe the one too many coffees to jump start it.. ha.. yes we do that to don't we.  Because we all know how good caffeine is for the body.. Sadly my mind wants to turn off.. it wants to sleep..my eyes are even heavy.. unfortunately the job doesn't allow me to sack out on the cot..or even to place my head on the desk and catch a few winks! 
I often wonder how many days I can go without a good night's sleep.. before I lose complete thought process... I have come close.. 3 days.. but then I became an emotional basket case.. oh such a pretty sight!

so on to another "awake dream" aka day dreams... yes.. I do that alot when I have had restless nights.. maybe that's my survivor mode kicking in.  Lotto tixs in my pocket.. picturing beautiful beaches with white sand.. warm sun shining down on you.. not a worry or care in the world.. oh yes.. and the hammock that sways .. calling to me.. the breeze from the ocean, the taste of the salt on the lips.. closing eyes again.. I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore.. oh so sweet..

road trip by car

Yes I have to clarify what type of road trip..seeing how I have done some by motorcycle.  Thinking I might do that again soon.. work on getting a license.. anyway.. took the car to Princeton, British Columbia- took a walk along the Trans Canada Trail.  Was quite a lovely day.. sun shining, a few clouds.. the trail went along the river which was really cold.  Yes I had to stick my hands in it.  Not sure what that's all about but yes I need to feel.. the cold, wet, water.. and no I was not brave enough to take off the sneakers and wade in.  Figure my feet would have been numb in about 2 secs!  Saw a few deer, a hawk and a bald eagle.  Great views on the ride, alot of campsites that could be awesome in the summer!  Right on the river too. 
Back at work today, and again a beautiful day beacons... but I will have to bide my time for now.. will have to check those lottery tickets.. can you imagine!.. to be able to just go and do what you want, when you want, and not worry about if you can afford to! . Now that would be a dream!