Still cold..

Had to laugh last week we got about a foot and half of snow.. yet again.. and this was days after I heard on the radio that "Marvin the Marmot" something about spring will be here in 6 weeks. Needless to say while I was shoveling for the third time that DAY..I dreamed of laying on a beach.. anywhere tropical. Sadly the cold whipping wind brought me back to reality! Reality was I better keep on shoveling otherwise I'll be up before 6am digging out my darn vehicle!..
Ah the wonders of Canada....
So here we are already in February, and already dreaming of summer...I was chatting with someone who had just gotten back from Mexico and as we were talking..I had a hard time listening to the story, I was more engrossed with the bronzed tan, and how that must have felt, laying on a beach, listening to the ocean, feeling the sun warm your body. The glistening of oil on your skin, and beads of sweat on the stomach.. my finger circling the rim of the cold glass of ... ya.. reality.. see how fast my mind goes somewhere else....somewhere WARMER.. haha..

Well I did manage to brave the snow.. and headed up for night skiing the other night. I have not skied in a very very long time!.. and surprisingly.. I didn't break anything!.. I did wipe out a few times..and of course that just keeps me more reserved...actually got a bit scared when I felt like I was going to fast..and then when my legs wouldn't do what I wanted them to do.. guess that's the joys of beating your body up.. Don't get me wrong I was very much a tomboy growing up..still not quite all grown up yet.. haha.. I have come to learn or shall we say.. have a respect for speed, for my body hitting the ground.. and for bones to not bend! all things I want to avoid!.. thinking when I got hit by that car, did more damage to the mind then to the body.. cuz still .. I don't full out anything...well..let me rephrase that..hehe.. I won't full out anything that requires speed and not being in some kind of body armour.. (picture me in a knights suit) hahahaa..
anyhoo.. back to skiing.. I did have a good time.. once I went down about 3 times, the fear finally subsided.. and then after a few more times down the hill.. I realized I am not in my twenties anymore.. and don't give me this.. 40 is the new 20.. sure in my mind.. but not while traveling on skis down the side of a mountain doing about 5k an hour.. ROFL!... I will most likely be doing that again.. considering it was only 16 bucks, rentals and lift tickets!.. go figure!
Sadly.. we did not get any pictures.. so that day..the feelings, the excitement, the fear, the joy!.. and the great company.. will be etched in this mind, and in this blog!...

even in what feels like the worst of times.. there are blessings

On December 22, it was snowing pretty much all day.. the scenery was gorgeous..you know the way the snow just sits on the boughs of the trees... breathtaking..


well I had a doctor appointment that day.. and had to head into town.. which was a 30 minute drive. So knowing the weather hasn't been the greatest..decided to head to town a whole hour before the appt. On my way down the hill... I hit ice... and ended up slidding sideways down the hill.. now you may not be the praying type.. but that's the first thing I did.. I wasnt sure how this would end.. and thankful it did end well... I walked away.. although my vehicle which rolled twice, and landed upright!.. and STILL RUNNING.. didn't fair so well.




I am a walking advertising for seatbelts!!! not that I ever rode around without one on.. but this just made me see how important they really are.. I know I would not have walked away from that unscathed.. not with the glass flying everywhere, all I have to say is Thank you God for listening to my prayers.. for GRANTING them to me, and for not taking me out..

Where I come from

Been an interesting week to say the least...had to take a trip to Los Angeles after being away for 6 months..living in a smaller community, gorgeous area.. and a much calmer pace...I did not realize how much of an impact there is on my life..who I am.. I have to say... when I landed I had a bit of an anxiety attack.. and I chalked that up to just being overwhelmed with what was in store for me.. and my fear of how things could go.. I have to say... I am so thankful I flew into Burbank.. and not LAX... when I stepped outside.. it was overcast and gray.. ya.. use to that.. and it did end up raining that day.. but I had to laugh at the driving.. I rented a car..now keep in mind I lived here for 20 years.. and forgot how aggressive one MUST be here.. and I realize that when you are that aggressive...even in driving.. you must be that in your life as well.. there is no kindness.. its rare to find here.. its all about me.. and after me then you first.. its an attitude.. and then I have to ask myself.. was I like that? yes I was more aggressive with driving.. first time back on the fwy I had to tell myself.. stop being so nice.. they won't let you in just cuz you have your blinker on.. just TAKE IT.. cuz ya.. they see your signal on and they race to get in front of you.. where I live now.. they slow down... they wave you on.. and in.. they smile and wave.. here.. ya.. they may smile.. but its while they are waving the finger at ya.. LOL.. no really.. was I blind to this attitude.. do we just get sucked in to our environment..does our enviro control us and our attitudes that much... and at what point do we lose our sensibility..the other thing I noticed is how rude most peeps are..but I guess that goes hand in hand with the attitude..
I know in my small town.. which I absolutely love btw.. it has helped me become who I am today... a much calmer.. peaceful.. dare I say content soul...
I truly love where I live.. and am so looking forward to getting back... snow and all!!

Not so funny..

Family.. they are a funny thing.. I thought or believed that you can say or do anything with your family.. that they will love you unconditionally.. I wonder.. if there are many out there that hold that same belief??..

I guess that's why I like animals.. because they truly do love you unconditionally.. I mean.. I look at my cat..I go to work.. leave him alone.. yet when I come home.. he's excited..and just wants to shower me with love.. now why can't people be like that.. why are we so concerned with how that might look.. or what they might think.. I mean really.. if you love someone..show it..and if you don't... well.. then just go away..but that's something else.. I am trying to figure out why peeps have issues.. even with words.. we are so quick to use hurtful words to make ourselves feel better or look more important.. what is up with that.?? (yes this is all the emotional baggage I have.. there's LOTS more..haha)
Seriously though.. there's an issue.. and it becomes a he said.. she said thing..and then.. each side has to find others to agree with their side.. guess what peeps.. the issue is NOT THAT important.. it's not life or death.. YET we are willing to make it that.. my comment to that.."who died and made YOU Darth Vader?"
I mean come on..we are not perfect.. we all say stuff we shouldn't.. YET we hold each other to a higher level of standard.. that we ourselves are NOT willing to maintain..or aim for.. (hence the Darth Vader)
Now I know where some of those sayings come from..like "get off your high horse"

I guess what bothers me the most.. is the whole treat others as you would like to be treated..when did that get discarded? or disregarded.. either way.. you don't see that often.. I am a little disheartened.. (can you tell?) I guess it brings me back to words.. how we use them, and the peeps we use them on..

I remember reading a book, and it talked about how we are more polite to strangers then we are to our own family.. that if we bump into someone at the grocery store, we say oh excuse me, or pardon me.. yet when we are in the comfort of our own home and we bump into our loved one.. we mutter move.. or you're in the way... how is it we can show preference like that? are we that blind to our own actions.. do we not see.. and that brings me to the next question.. when YOU see you are clearly hurting the other person with your words.. why do YOU NOT stop?? Is it the satisfaction of seeing tears? does it make you feel powerful? or in control.. ?
I don't get it.. and I am glad I don't..

Believe me.. I am far from perfect.. but I do try to show love to others..the song "shower the people you love with love..show them the way that you feel"

Dreams.. what do you make of them..

I am not talking about your dreams in life.. I am talking about when you have finally fallen asleep and these thoughts and images take over... some of my dreams are downright disturbing... there are times where I have woken myself up from crying.. or at least what I thought was my screaming.. ya.. in my dream it is.. but not sure if I actually shout out.. or cry so one can hear me.. usually when a dream like that gets me awake.. it does take a bit for me to realize where I am.. and that I am in no eminent danger.. that's the part of the brain that I find quite comical.. the fight or flight mode.. seems I do more fleeing.. haha.. although the last dream I did wake up.. raring to fight.. thankfully I kept my punches to myself..
so back to what do you make of them.?? do you have a tendency to analyze those random thoughts..I can usually sort out where certain thoughts came from.. but then there are some dreams that are so wicked.. I have no idea where in that deep abyss of a brain that it came from.. cuz on the surface.. ya.. it's not there..
Its disturbing to wake up, feeling out of sorts.. I try desperately to put things in order..to figure it out..
Maybe I just look too deeply...
who knows..

24, 32, 43, 17.. all the same

Have so much in the head.. that one must let it out..and Randy Newman would have so made a song out of this mess.. I have to wonder though.. why some people feel they have the right to say what you should do in your life.. or.. have the audacity to scrutinize the path you were on .. and question your moves.. or the circumstances you were in.. I am where I am.. and now why the hell do I feel like running.. it's no wonder I lived 2000 miles away.. away from the bullshit..and the judgments.. and the condescending remarks..I get that I won't make all the people happy.. all of the time.. but shit people I am here to make me happy..or at least to not feel like my life is shit in "your" eyes.. just tired.. tired of having to explain.... so thinking.. when I was 17 that old motto of "bite me".. will be coming back.. but this time I will add.. harder!
what's funny though.. don't say.. can I give you some advice? when what you really mean is listen to what I say.. and do it..
well... sorry.. advice is great.. but it doesn't mean one must abide in it.. or conform to it.. I am quite capable of making my own damn choices..and my own screw ups.. as you so eloquently pointed out for the MILLIONTH time..
and what works for you.. doesn't mean it will work for me..
as the saying goes.. that's why baskin robbins has 31 flavors!!

On my own... naturally

Ever wonder where this road of life will take you? I often have pondered this..and I have to say.. where I am now.. sure.. I saw myself here.. eventually but not in the circumstances that surround me..I never once pictured my life the way it is.... you ask.. is that wrong.. is it bad... no..it's not.. it's just so different from what I once thought.. but then too.. I am so different from what I once was.. and that too is not a bad thing.. I like who I am.. I like what I stand for.. and for the most part.. like those that surround me....my only issue has been... and will always be... that the peeps in my life.. MUST be honest with me.. I won't have someone in my life if they continue to lie.. and sadly.. we all have someone like that in our life.. question is now.. what do you do with them?
I have had advice.. a friend said to me.. you teach people how to treat you... yeah I get that.. but what if I don't like conflict.. and just knowing that they are lying.. isn't that good enough.. doesn't that protect me..ultimately it is them that must deal with the lie.. it is them that has to face that mirror everyday.. Maybe I am wrong.. maybe there is conflict that must be faced.. things must be said.. and brought out in the open..but then.. I would rather just not have them in my life.. or a close part of it...
anyway.. here I sit.. on homeland.. going to make another big move.. my own place.. yeah.. that's huge.. should be an interesting adventure..
living somewhere I only dreamed about.. in the mountains.. my own space..