rants and raves..

Seems we are that time of the year again.. winding down.. year end almost here.. there is such a crisp coolness to the air.. you have to grab a jacket.. there's no going out without one now.. The leaves on the trees are changing colours and they are starting to fall... I enjoy autumn.. its just different..its the season that brings the most change.. and such beauty along with it.. soon we will be covered in a blanket of snow.. not that it will be warm like a blanket.. but what I mean is.. the snow that covers the once green grass from summer.. the plants that are now in sleep mode.. it covers them.. keeps them.. for me..these seasons definitely slow me down.. (and make me a bit heavier).. but hey.. keeps ya warm right?!.. I find it a bit harder to go thru these changes in seasons here in Canada.. it gets more gloomy than I am use to.. In California.. winter we still had blue skies..probably more blue in winter then in summer.. (less smog.. due to all the winds!) And there were days when it still got to 78 or even as high as 85.. there were some days in January that I was able to put on my bikini.. and lay out in the sun!.. yup.. miss those days!.. I guess that's maybe why I am feeling a bit mellow .. knowing that winter is coming.. and its just so gray.. even this week.. its been blah.. guess I should become a bear.. put on my winter weight.. and just go hibernate.. LOL..
time for a nap.. :)

STOP DROP AND ROLL!

Funny how this so applies to me.. I don't dare let anyone know that I am not okay.. I mean come on.. let's look at this.. I am in my 40's .. and sadly.. I have had many a knock downs.. and ya I know all the sayings..when life knocks you down.. or kicks you when you're down...you're suppose to wipe off the dust and get back up.. and do your best. or if life hands you lemons.. make lemonade.. or my favorite.. get the tequila..

I am just so tired of being knocked down..and ya.. life isn't easy.. I know this.. and it's not that I want it easy I just don't want to feel like shit anymore..

I had a friend tell me.. since my divorce was final that I need to learn who I am.. and to stop defining myself as wife and mother.. or daughter and sister.. well what is there.. I mean ya.. I know I am a good person.. I know I am smart.. well I thought or think I am.. but clearly even that this week I am questioning myself.. AGAIN.. and see that's just it.. how do we stop this.. when everything around us puts us in this box.. we are defined.. so how do I change this..?

Some days.. I get it.. I know who I am.. I know where I am to be.. just read this saying I have in front of my computer.. EVERY TRUE STRENGTH IS GAINED THROUGH STRUGGLE... well then I must be the strongest friggin person in the world.. cuz dang.. I have had alot of struggles in my life!.. LOL.. no really.. haha..

You know.. I look at where I have been.. what I have done.. and it's got me here.. with the knowledge that I have.. yet.. I question it all..

who am I?
what am I doing?
where am I heading?
when does the hurt stop?
how will this all go?

I know the how.. is the journey..and ya.. life is a journey not a destination.. aren't I just full of this.. all these sayings.. and yet.. here I am struggling..

every true strength is gained through struggle..

so maybe I am not as strong as I think.. cuz obviously.. still struggling.. which makes me then think.. I am not thinking right.. cuz if I think I am strong yet still struggling.. obviously.. I am oblivious!..

as they say.. if you think you're crazy you're not.. cuz you're at least concerned..or if you think you're losing it.. you can't be.. cuz you're aware.. who comes up with this crap anyway.. and why the heck is it in my head!!!

maybe that's just it.. I think to much.. haha..

all I know.. is I am tired.. and no not the sleepy tired either..

Kind of funny .. lately..that's all I seem to want to do.. is sleep.. one thing I am good at..

Need to stop allowing others to define who I am..
Need to stop looking at my circumstances as conditions of who I am..
Need to get some sleep.. this time.. ya.. it's the sleepy kind..

I need to find my TRUE NORTH!