Where I come from

Been an interesting week to say the least...had to take a trip to Los Angeles after being away for 6 months..living in a smaller community, gorgeous area.. and a much calmer pace...I did not realize how much of an impact there is on my life..who I am.. I have to say... when I landed I had a bit of an anxiety attack.. and I chalked that up to just being overwhelmed with what was in store for me.. and my fear of how things could go.. I have to say... I am so thankful I flew into Burbank.. and not LAX... when I stepped outside.. it was overcast and gray.. ya.. use to that.. and it did end up raining that day.. but I had to laugh at the driving.. I rented a car..now keep in mind I lived here for 20 years.. and forgot how aggressive one MUST be here.. and I realize that when you are that aggressive...even in driving.. you must be that in your life as well.. there is no kindness.. its rare to find here.. its all about me.. and after me then you first.. its an attitude.. and then I have to ask myself.. was I like that? yes I was more aggressive with driving.. first time back on the fwy I had to tell myself.. stop being so nice.. they won't let you in just cuz you have your blinker on.. just TAKE IT.. cuz ya.. they see your signal on and they race to get in front of you.. where I live now.. they slow down... they wave you on.. and in.. they smile and wave.. here.. ya.. they may smile.. but its while they are waving the finger at ya.. LOL.. no really.. was I blind to this attitude.. do we just get sucked in to our environment..does our enviro control us and our attitudes that much... and at what point do we lose our sensibility..the other thing I noticed is how rude most peeps are..but I guess that goes hand in hand with the attitude..
I know in my small town.. which I absolutely love btw.. it has helped me become who I am today... a much calmer.. peaceful.. dare I say content soul...
I truly love where I live.. and am so looking forward to getting back... snow and all!!

Not so funny..

Family.. they are a funny thing.. I thought or believed that you can say or do anything with your family.. that they will love you unconditionally.. I wonder.. if there are many out there that hold that same belief??..

I guess that's why I like animals.. because they truly do love you unconditionally.. I mean.. I look at my cat..I go to work.. leave him alone.. yet when I come home.. he's excited..and just wants to shower me with love.. now why can't people be like that.. why are we so concerned with how that might look.. or what they might think.. I mean really.. if you love someone..show it..and if you don't... well.. then just go away..but that's something else.. I am trying to figure out why peeps have issues.. even with words.. we are so quick to use hurtful words to make ourselves feel better or look more important.. what is up with that.?? (yes this is all the emotional baggage I have.. there's LOTS more..haha)
Seriously though.. there's an issue.. and it becomes a he said.. she said thing..and then.. each side has to find others to agree with their side.. guess what peeps.. the issue is NOT THAT important.. it's not life or death.. YET we are willing to make it that.. my comment to that.."who died and made YOU Darth Vader?"
I mean come on..we are not perfect.. we all say stuff we shouldn't.. YET we hold each other to a higher level of standard.. that we ourselves are NOT willing to maintain..or aim for.. (hence the Darth Vader)
Now I know where some of those sayings come from..like "get off your high horse"

I guess what bothers me the most.. is the whole treat others as you would like to be treated..when did that get discarded? or disregarded.. either way.. you don't see that often.. I am a little disheartened.. (can you tell?) I guess it brings me back to words.. how we use them, and the peeps we use them on..

I remember reading a book, and it talked about how we are more polite to strangers then we are to our own family.. that if we bump into someone at the grocery store, we say oh excuse me, or pardon me.. yet when we are in the comfort of our own home and we bump into our loved one.. we mutter move.. or you're in the way... how is it we can show preference like that? are we that blind to our own actions.. do we not see.. and that brings me to the next question.. when YOU see you are clearly hurting the other person with your words.. why do YOU NOT stop?? Is it the satisfaction of seeing tears? does it make you feel powerful? or in control.. ?
I don't get it.. and I am glad I don't..

Believe me.. I am far from perfect.. but I do try to show love to others..the song "shower the people you love with love..show them the way that you feel"

Dreams.. what do you make of them..

I am not talking about your dreams in life.. I am talking about when you have finally fallen asleep and these thoughts and images take over... some of my dreams are downright disturbing... there are times where I have woken myself up from crying.. or at least what I thought was my screaming.. ya.. in my dream it is.. but not sure if I actually shout out.. or cry so one can hear me.. usually when a dream like that gets me awake.. it does take a bit for me to realize where I am.. and that I am in no eminent danger.. that's the part of the brain that I find quite comical.. the fight or flight mode.. seems I do more fleeing.. haha.. although the last dream I did wake up.. raring to fight.. thankfully I kept my punches to myself..
so back to what do you make of them.?? do you have a tendency to analyze those random thoughts..I can usually sort out where certain thoughts came from.. but then there are some dreams that are so wicked.. I have no idea where in that deep abyss of a brain that it came from.. cuz on the surface.. ya.. it's not there..
Its disturbing to wake up, feeling out of sorts.. I try desperately to put things in order..to figure it out..
Maybe I just look too deeply...
who knows..

24, 32, 43, 17.. all the same

Have so much in the head.. that one must let it out..and Randy Newman would have so made a song out of this mess.. I have to wonder though.. why some people feel they have the right to say what you should do in your life.. or.. have the audacity to scrutinize the path you were on .. and question your moves.. or the circumstances you were in.. I am where I am.. and now why the hell do I feel like running.. it's no wonder I lived 2000 miles away.. away from the bullshit..and the judgments.. and the condescending remarks..I get that I won't make all the people happy.. all of the time.. but shit people I am here to make me happy..or at least to not feel like my life is shit in "your" eyes.. just tired.. tired of having to explain.... so thinking.. when I was 17 that old motto of "bite me".. will be coming back.. but this time I will add.. harder!
what's funny though.. don't say.. can I give you some advice? when what you really mean is listen to what I say.. and do it..
well... sorry.. advice is great.. but it doesn't mean one must abide in it.. or conform to it.. I am quite capable of making my own damn choices..and my own screw ups.. as you so eloquently pointed out for the MILLIONTH time..
and what works for you.. doesn't mean it will work for me..
as the saying goes.. that's why baskin robbins has 31 flavors!!

On my own... naturally

Ever wonder where this road of life will take you? I often have pondered this..and I have to say.. where I am now.. sure.. I saw myself here.. eventually but not in the circumstances that surround me..I never once pictured my life the way it is.... you ask.. is that wrong.. is it bad... no..it's not.. it's just so different from what I once thought.. but then too.. I am so different from what I once was.. and that too is not a bad thing.. I like who I am.. I like what I stand for.. and for the most part.. like those that surround me....my only issue has been... and will always be... that the peeps in my life.. MUST be honest with me.. I won't have someone in my life if they continue to lie.. and sadly.. we all have someone like that in our life.. question is now.. what do you do with them?
I have had advice.. a friend said to me.. you teach people how to treat you... yeah I get that.. but what if I don't like conflict.. and just knowing that they are lying.. isn't that good enough.. doesn't that protect me..ultimately it is them that must deal with the lie.. it is them that has to face that mirror everyday.. Maybe I am wrong.. maybe there is conflict that must be faced.. things must be said.. and brought out in the open..but then.. I would rather just not have them in my life.. or a close part of it...
anyway.. here I sit.. on homeland.. going to make another big move.. my own place.. yeah.. that's huge.. should be an interesting adventure..
living somewhere I only dreamed about.. in the mountains.. my own space..

Strengths

You are your own worst enemy- or your biggest cheerleader! It is a choice- a daily one that before you open your eyes to face the world, your mind becomes aware, conscious as you would call it..and the mind is a powerful tool. It can lead you, it can give you strength-knowing your a capable person- or it can play things that others have said or shared that knock you down. And that self doubt creeps in. How or why we do that to ourselves I don't know.. and even after years of doing it on your own there's still that question of can I? When does that go away? does it? How do you learn to be more confident? is it thru life experiences? cuz if that's true I should have loads of it! And how is it that we give others control in our lives? Are we not capable of making our own decisions, our own choices? We know ourselves better then anyone else..
I guess for me.. yeah.. I know who I am.. I know what I want.. unfortunately those don't always align with what others "think" I should do.. but again.. who's life is this anyway?? If I want to bunk up my life in the worst way imaginable.. well who's fault is it.. would be mine.. of course I don't look at life that way.. I certainly don't squander my life away.. well..I don't think I do.. maybe for others they may look at me and think ya.. what a waste.. she hasn't accomplished much.. I say.. I am not here to win medals of honor or glory.. I am here to be the best me I can.. and that is a person who is caring, loving, compassionate, trustworthy.. I like who I am.. I don't always like my circumstances.. but when you look at it.. that's brief too.. things change so quickly.. and life has a way of moving on.. going on.. guess my thing is..I don't want to just be a spectator.. I wanna play.. so this girl.. is grabbing the bull by the horns.. like they said.. life isn't easy, and sometimes you have to play hard.. or harder!!!

often wonder if people actually know their strengths, and their weaknesses...and I am not just saying what you're good at in life.. I mean your personality, your character, who you are, how you respond to situations... and most importantly if that view of oneself is accurate..
I am watching the Olympics and I have to wonder... the mental strengths of some peeps compared to others.. how one trains for that.. how does one keep that focus.. that determination.. the sheer will of doing something.. and some of these sports are to me pretty extreme.. I can't imagine barreling down on a luge.. face first.. hitting speeds of over 80MPH.. to me that's crazy.. to them... its exhilarating.. some things are left better to just watch.. haha

Nike commercial.. "just do it"!

You Reap what you Sow...

The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before.


"Leave me alone," he growled... To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows.

"Are you hungry?" she asked.

"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've j ust come from dining with the president.. Now go away."

The woman's smile became even broader.


Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. "What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone.


Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked..

"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"

The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"

"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile."

"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything.."

"This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow it."
Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived.

The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table. "What's going on here, officer?" he asked."What is all this, is this man in trouble?"

"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered.

"Not in here!" t he manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business."

Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if you'll let me go. I didn't want to come here in the first place"


The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy andAssociates, the banking firm down the street?"


"Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms."

"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?"

"What business is that of yours?"

I, sir, am Penelope Eddy,president and CEO of the company."
"Oh..."

The woman smiled again.. "I thought that might make a difference."
She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a laugh. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"

"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty."

"Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?"

"Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."

The cafeteria manager turned on his heel. "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer."

The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place," he said.
"That was not my intent... Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."


She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently.

"Jack, do you remember me?"

Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes. "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar."

"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."

"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly. He couldn't believe that such a magnificen tly turned out woman could ever have been hungry.

"I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment.. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."

Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy."

"I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into trouble. Then, when I looked over and saw you put the price of my food in the cash register, I=2 0knew then that everything would be all right."

"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.
"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered.." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons. He's the personnel director of my company. I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office."
She smiled. "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet. If you ever need anything, my door is always open to you."

There were tears in the old man's eyes.. "How can I ever thank you?" he asked.
"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. He led me to you."

Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways.. "Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.

"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And..And thank you for the coffee."

Have a Wonderful Day. May God Bless You Always and don't forget that when you "cast your bread upon the waters," you never know how it will be returned to you. God is so big He can cover the whole world with his Love and so small He can curl up inside your heart.


When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go.
Only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly! Don't take that literally okay.. not telling you to go jump.. but in life.. there are choices we have to make.. some feel like your jumping off that cliff.. comes down to faith... hope.. and love.. the gifts God gave us.. and if you haven't figured out yet.. what the greatest gift is.. it's love..

God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close..

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing....

"The Task Ahead of Me is Never as Great as the Power Behind Me!!"

My life as a dog

Ever seen that movie.. one of the first foreign films I remember actually going to a theater to see...I remember it now.. it was an endearing film... about a boy and how much he loved his mother.. she was ill and yeah in the movie if my memory is correct, she dies...but poor Ingemar is sent to live with relatives,he also had a dog but it was left behind. During the movie he reflects on how much worse things could be.. like the poor Russian dog that was sent into outer space with no way to return, or the man who was running through a field where they were practicing javelin tossing and was struck..

He ends up being friends with a girl, she's a tomboy and they actually learn to box against each other... she one day gets upset with him and tells Ingemar that his dog was actually euthanized. This, along with his mother's death, is too much for him and he locks himself inside a one-room "summer house" in the backyard. The time spent here forces Ingemar to reflect on the death of his mother, the loss of his dog and a changing world. Ingemar uses the experiences of others and of his own personal loss to reconcile a life which is sometimes tough.

I can't and won't sit here and complain and throw a pity party.. that's not what this blog is about.. what was so endearing was no matter how hard, or tough.. things got for poor Ingemar... he just wanted to see his mum smile, to make her laugh...and to find his happiness.. his peace..

I like movies that aren't your typical "Hollywood" ending.. because life is not like that.. it can be hard.. it can be downright hectic.. but what you must do is realize the lessons that you are learning along the way... for me.. sometimes I don't see them right away.. sometimes they are not shown to me until much much later, sometimes years..

We all have our own things in life that we either battle, struggle or submit to..some of us grow tired... some never give up... and some of us soar..

on the wings of an eagle.. no doubt.. no hesitation.. no worry...

your view?

LOVE


I wonder about "love"... and how other peeps view it..

is it a feeling? a desire? a want?

or is something you do?

how do you describe love..


For me its more of an action, that shows that person how you feel. It can be in the quietness of an evening.. watching a movie, and a hand gently caresses your shoulder..or a whisper in the ear saying love you...or its catching that person watching you instead of the movie.. It can be a random text message.. or an email..it can be a note, with a simple I heart U... there are many ways to show love.. I guess now the question is.. are you secure enough to put your heart out there. To show that special someone that vulnerability, for some they are unwilling to go that far. How sad that is.. to shelter your heart in such a way that you might not be able to experience the absolute excitement and thrill of being loved so completely.. yes there is a chance you will be heart broken, or hurt.. but you must know that with love it does not seek to hurt, love seeks love..and if you're lucky to find that person that you can share with, feel comfortable with and open up to.. then I say.. don't test the waters,do the cannon ball into the pool!

So here's to getting wet!!!

Changes... lots of changes in the air... I use to embrace the thought of something different..something new.. exciting.. now.. the changes that are in my air.. yes they are all that.. but it is work too. I am finding it difficult to stay focused on the tasks at hand.. I guess because I have a few balls in the air.. and I am not good at juggling.. first and the biggest, is my job..moving an office to a virtual office setting is a pretty daunting task.. with organizing phones, servers, equipment, storage of items, sell items.. oh.. the list goes on.. and then my own personal move..

the glorious task of going thru every item one owns, and asking.. is this worth taking with me?? not just the value comes to mind.. but what does it mean to me..how do you put value on something that's got that feeling attached to it.. and how do you let go of it.. when clearly it stirs those emotions. I guess the hard part too is.. who the item came from.. when you have kids, its hard to let go of anything they made for you.

I still remember the faces, the eyes, the smiles, how excited they were that they made that something special, and ya.. I still treasure it.. so..those items.. will be packed carefully away...
All while I am still working full time hours.. and trying to get all the year end stuff done.. I feel like I have way more on my plate than one can actually handle.
I need to either slow down, or delegate... and the latter works for me.. haha..

Now to find a willing person that doesn't mind the job..

Moving..

Looking up trailer rentals for moving one way.. not an easy task online.. have to laugh I have a type 2 trailer hitch so I know my truck can carry like 5800 lbs and yet Uhaul still manages to tell me that they will not rent any trailers out to my kind of vehicle.. not sure if it's because my suv is a exploder.. or what.. so I messed about with that info, and at least found out what the trailer rental would cost.. the smaller enclosed one 4 x 8 will be about 350.00 the larger 6 x 12 will be about 800.00.
So the hard part is.. what will I have to actually carry and how small can I get away with. I know I am taking my dirtbike, and maybe even my dining room hutch (its an antique that I really like) I have alot of boxes- this I know..
just the few Christmas boxes I packed.. 8..I know.. what can I say.. I love Christmas, and there will be more...haha

Then I look around and think okay you have photo albums, computer, monitor, books, clothes, lots of those..figured I would grab the camping stuff so I can at least have pots and pans and some utensils. I don't want to have to buy any of that at least not right off.. the less I have to spend to get myself situated would be best. So yeah..I very well might need that 6 x 12 trailer. I guess we'll see how I go with the rest of the packing. I know there are things that I have to take, like the beautiful glasses my oma had, and the picture my opa painted, and the things my mum and dad have bought for me as gifts..ya.. call me sentimental.. its all good..
I am so use to it.