its been a long while

I need to get back to blogging.. I like to think of it more like journaling with access. Yes just what you always wanted, to be able to read what is on my mind.

I have such great thoughts during the wee hours of the morning, its too bad this doesn't record those thoughts.  oh the images in your mind!

Well not sure if I should post a down and dirty of the last oh my gosh has it been 3 years!!!

2015- in December 14/January 15 we traveled to LA- then Fiji-then Australia
my son moved to Canada with me in August

We did our usual camping, biking, hiking that year

2016 the year we got into mountain biking so much so that we both bought new full suspension bikes and had a blast riding that 1st year lots of learning and exploring

That was also the year my mom died. She had congestive heart failure for the last 10 years and I am forever grateful that I moved up here to be closer to them. And as much as you know we are all going to die, it is absolutely heart wrenching when you have to experience it.  My mom was 10 days in the hospital and I was with her the last night, it is amazing how your words change when you know you are in those final days.  They become less but with more meaning, (if that makes sense).  My mom and I did share many good talks that last week, and her last night was very poignant.  In her confusion she wanted to leave and I had to tell her, that she was dying and that we are doing our best in keeping her comfortable.  That was the hardest thing I had to say to her. Her last few words were, you won't forget me? Those words still bring me to tears today (almost 2 years later) We were able to share a bit more that night but by 4am she finally settled in, I went home that morning at 7am didn't get much sleep because I was turning mom every half hour.  I remember feeling very lost that week.  We were all spending as much time as we could at the hospital as one does when you have a family member in that condition.  I drove home, usually that was my time to cry, did not matter where I was driving but my car was my sanctuary, that is where the real talks to God happened, the tears the begging the pleading the promises.. yeah we all have those times.  Anyway I got home, showered and climbed into bed.  I slept, but a strange feeling came over me, and that woke me up.  About 5 minutes later the phone rang, the call that literally ripped my heart out of my chest.  The words you keep hearing because your mind can be so mean, she died, she died.
Scrambled to the hospital, the following weeks were, well they just were, you go thru the motions of looking like you're okay when really you are so not.  Spent time with dad and made the plans and prepared for all the stuff you have to do when someone dies.  The celebration of life was pretty awesome but that's because my mom truly LIVED her life.  I would share all that she was but that will probably take a whole other page on just her!

So that was July 2016 - In August I started a new job, and spent my lunches usually at my dads and if not lunch I would go visit him after work, I have to admit it was hard seeing him alone and so very sad.  There were literally 3 occurrences that I just drove by, but could not go in, for that I am truly regretful. 

December 2016- Our Christmas we had my dad over for our celebration and it truly was an amazing day and evening with him.  We took pictures of us being silly, we had the traditional meal that he was so fond of, and then we opened presents, and enjoyed the evening just talking. Talking about his life, his childhood, his memories.  (wish I would have recorded that!)

March 2017 my dad had a heart attack and was in our general hospital, he was there waiting for 3 days before they could send him an hour north for an angiogram and angioplasty (he had that done 15 years prior and dr said they only last about that long so we thought this could be a simple procedure)
Finally got word that they were transporting him on Tuesday morning for the surgery, went to see him, he was pretty spent.  We spent night in hotel, saw him the next morning, he looked amazing, colour in his face, sitting on the edge of the bed having breakfast, telling the nurse and us jokes, yup that was my dad... always wanting to make people laugh.  Dr said he would be transferred the next day if he continues to do so well.  And as my dad would do, he sent us off to go to home and that we will see him tomorrow.  We left on such a high.. giddy you would say.  Of course I see it now as the calm before the shitstorm! Got home about 11am and at 2pm got a call from the hospital that dad was not doing well.  My sister was going to wait til the cardio dr called, I jumped in the car with my bf driving (thank God) headed for the hospital, got there about 3ish and he was on oxygen, still talking but clearly in a lot of pain.  Talked to dr's and they made it sound like he could come back from this, they said he on the operating table he had another heart attack, and he came back from that and that was worse then what this was.  I was in shock, I was trying to make sense out of seeing him just hours before with colour and life and jokes, and know he's on oxygen and struggling and in pain.  We were able to converse, my questions were more are you in pain, what can I do, his were.. this is where the documents are, this is what I want done.  And then the words no child (adult or not) wants to hear from their parent.  My dad says to me, I'm going to the other side today, well my response was tears and of course pops says to me, don't cry.. oh ya sure pops... Made the call to my sibs to come asap, and then for the next hour I shared all my funny memories of him when I was young, and all the love I have in my heart until he was sleeping more. At 7 pm he died.  I still have issues saying that, writing that and thinking that,yup tears. Not sure if that will ever go away.

So needless to say the balance of 2017, I was numb, lost, it is amazing what grief does to you. 
Us kids commemorated moms date of death, and since we are now all that we have, is each other, we make a point to get together, to call, to be there for one another, we were close and we definitely have gotten much closer. 

We just had the one year of dad's death and that was quite the feat for me.  The day of, you play everything over in your mind, everything that happened that day, the hour you were on the way home, the hour back on road there, the conversations, every last detail. No I don't know why, again I think the mind can be cruel.  The next day though, was the most strangest and my sister and I both had the same feelings.  We woke up knowing WE survived, that we made it, we were relieved, and happy yet sad.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 

A Time for Everything

 There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—

 A time to give birth and a time to die;
A time to plant and a time to uproot what is planted.
 A time to kill and a time to heal;
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to weep and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn and a time to dance.
A time to throw stones and a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace and a time to shun embracing.

 A time to search and a time to give up as lost;
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear apart and a time to sew together;
A time to be silent and a time to speak.
 A time to love and a time to hate;
A time for war and a time for peace.

(I think I might be ready to dance again)