my dance

"We are blessed with an incredible week, a lunar eclipse followed by a transit of Venus so close to the Earth that we can physically see her pass before the Sun. Venus brings to us guidance on how to evolve beyond the current consciousness on Earth, offering us from a place of loving sisterhood, an ability to see beyond what appears to be and into a more loving reality... during this week we can be lifted out of our stories deeper into reality if we allow it, but the trick is that we must surrender our attachment- to the why, the who, the where and the how of whatever drama is unfolding in our lives-to be lifted requires we let go of the weight of our own fixation on how we think things should be, so divine unfolding perfection can occur with grace... to do this we simply ask, may the beings of divine grace that love me unconditionally bless me now, lift me from my own struggle into the purity of my divinity, thank you"

yes this sounds an easy task... to let go of the drama, to the why, the where.. but I am having difficulty with the who. I guess that's because the "who" involved are those that I love with such greatness, such vastness its hard to describe a mother's love.. but I realize that when my children were younger, I was faced with an incident that made me look long and hard at how little I could do for them.. I know that God is the one that has them in His hands.. that He is capable of far more greater things that I could ever be.. My middle son had flat-lined on me at the doctors office, he had a hernia, doctors gave him medicine to relax him to attempt to push the hernia back... but what happened was..something they were not expecting either.. when I saw my child's eyes roll back into his head.. and he stopped breathing.. I told the doctor.. somethings wrong.. hes not breathing.. she didn't look right away.. I became louder and then finally she looked, stopped what she was doing and realized something was completely and utterly wrong... she pushed a button and before I knew it.. 4 other doctors, a crash cart and a pastor came thru the door. The pastor escorted me out.. I don't remember wanting to go..but I knew if I stayed it wouldn't help my son.. so yes.. against every GRAIN of who I am.. I left that room.. in tears.. to the room next door.. my knees hit the ground pretty fast.. and I remember clearly praying.. very earnestly.. so much clarity hit me in those moments....my prayer changed.. from desperation and sheer agony.. to a calmness that chills me to this day.. in my heart.. I knew that my son was in God's hands.. and that I had to say.. YOUR WILL BE DONE.. and truly mean it.. I know that God is one of love, but I also know that those children that I have been blessed with .. they are NOT mine.. they have been given as a gift.. to cherish..to teach.. to love.. I learned that day... that sometimes the best thing to do.. is to allow GOD to do what He does best...
and here I am faced with yet another challenge.. to once again.. let go.. and let God.

This last week, I have experienced a couple nights of waking at 3am..once it was 4:30am and its like clarity has hit me again.. all those questions in my head.. have answers... and yes.. like most.. I didn't like the answers.. so what happens.. a struggle.. yes.. I want my way.. I have to learn to let go.. letting go..does not me that you don't love.. it means you love so much more than you thought.. because ultimately it is for our best..

There is much drama right now.. and if I continue in it.. I don't know if it will be a good outcome.. but then too.. if I let go.. again.. I don't know the outcome.. amazing how your faith gets tested.. sometimes I wish we could see how it all would go, but then.. you would miss the dance..



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2WcWLavw5U

a growth spurt..

Not sure if you remember me writing about "the awakening" but today I had to read it again. So much is going on in my heart right now, and yes life is a journey and in that we have our life lessons and our experiences. Unfortunately both of those are kicking my butt. Which just means time to read that letter again. Each time I read it, because I am in a different place spiritually, there are things that jump out at me, each time something different. Today what hit me was the "you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO."
I can honestly say, that in my mind, guilt and responsibility go hand in hand.. and I know with reading this, maybe that's not right.
So time to open up the dictionary, come along on this journey with me.. let's get enlightened together!

guilt:
as a noun
1.the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2.a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3.conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

as a verb (used with object)
4.to cause to feel guilty (often followed by out or into ): She totally guilted me out, dude. He guilted me into picking up the tab.

oh... look at number 2... a feeling of responsibility.. hmmm... now I have to look that up...

responsibility:
noun
1.the state or fact of being responsible.
2.an instance of being responsible: The responsibility for this mess is yours!
3.a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible: the responsibilities of authority.
4.a person or thing for which one is responsible: A child is a responsibility to its parents.
5.reliability or dependability, especially in meeting debts or payments.
AND
1. the state or position of being responsible
2. a person or thing for which one is responsible
3. the ability or authority to act or decide on one's own, without supervision


ok... so my responsibility is to my children, which I totally agree with, yet I feel like I have completely abandoned. And with that of course comes a huge amount of guilt!
I also am responsible for myself, for my (health)well being, and my mental well being. Now here comes the rub...I am responsible for me, yet, I have not been honest with myself. I had allowed for many years an abusive relationship to continue, I took on his responsibility, I minimized his actions, I became deaf to the insults, to the words and actions that were hurtful. I did that. I was responsible for allowing that to continue in my life BUT I was NOT responsible for his choices or his behavior or his actions. There was nothing I did that warranted his actions. (wow) you have no idea how huge that statement is right now.. I have always taken on the guilt of that.. the feeling that I wasn't good enough, that I somehow caused it.. that maybe if I was better, more caring, more understanding, more sympathetic, more.. whatever..the excuse I could make.. I took that on. YET..that's not the case.. now don't get me wrong here.. I am not going to go into the "victim" role.. cuz that's just b.s. I just need to look at this in the true light. That I can not take on someone else's responsibility. I can only take my own.... I have carried guilt with me for so long, since I was 8. I was sexually abused, and even at that age, granted the abuser had a lot to do with the thought process cause he had told me that it was my fault.. and now I look back and think holy hotdogs batman... I need to change some things in my head. I was not responsible nor was it my fault for the sexual abuse. I am responsible for ending an abusive relationship, and when I say abusive..remember that abuse does NOT have to involve physical.. abusive.. hmm.. another definition is needed!

adjective
1.using, containing, or characterized by harshly or coarsely insulting language: an abusive author; abusive remarks.
2.treating badly or injuriously; mistreating, especially physically: his abusive handling of the horse.
3.wrongly used; corrupt: an abusive exercise of power.


When you have abuse in your life, it affects your mental state of well being.. it changes who you are. I have to admit, over the years I have tried very hard to keep things contained. I thought or led myself to believe that I dealt with things. Maybe to a degree I did.. but I have to say..maybe I haven't dealt with it completely. How could I? When I have felt responsible and guilty..

This sure is a big can of worms..

I am a responsible person, I own my words/my actions/my thoughts. I know words hurt, and that hurtful words can do much damage. I know that people need love and acceptance, and the truth. But with the truth you must share that respectfully.
I am guilty of feeling responsible for others actions.

WOW.. lightbulb moment!!!

now to absorb..

What do I need to change: I need to be able to accept who I am..I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who I am or what I am. I need to love who I am. I need to learn how to stop putting my feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring my needs. That I deserve (having an issue with that word) haha.. I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect.

deserve
1.to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
verb (used without object)
2.to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.


Yes I am deserving.. as is everyone.. we are all WORTHY of being LOVED, to be treated with kindness...sensitivity and RESPECT!!!

ok tears now..I have much work to do...


thank you for reading..

Where has the Love gone?

I asked this question.. because of what transpired yesterday for me.. and sadly the person I was talking to had her experience over the last week and a half. And now because what she shared has affected me I feel I need to put it in words. My heart is so heavy for this woman..actually for the couple.. a very sweet endearing couple, who when I first met them a week and a half ago I was drawn to them..She's a couple years older than I am, and clearly he was much younger then her. I did not notice that at first.. what I saw was the love they clearly shared.. he held her hand.. he was attentive to her, when she needed something out of her purse.. he reached to help her with it..to get it off her shoulder.. when she spoke.. she would glance at him.. not sure if it was for reassurance.. or just to make sure she got the timing right.. those things jumped out at me first..the bond.. As I watched this couple, they were leaving their paperwork for me to work on..and we offer drop off service or you can make an appointment. I was listening to the conversation they were having with my customer service rep. and clearly it was not offered. The client had stated she was concerned, would like it if she can speak with someone, and was told if we have questions we'll call you. Needless to say, they left.. and I went out to get the file. Like I said.. I was drawn to them. Put my name on the folder and got to doing their return the following night. I did call them, because after listening to her I just wanted to make sure I was doing my job right. So I spoke with both her and her husband, and glad I did. There was other things I needed for her return that no one else had told them about. They said they would bring in the papers that week. She came in during the day, when I am not working, I am there from 4:30 to 8 or later.. so when she came in she dropped off her paper work and that's when things went south.. I had explained to the couple on the phone that it would be best if we sat down and had an appointment, to go over this years return and for me to look at last years because clearly things were missed. They once again said that was never offered to them in the 8 years they were coming to that office, I apologized and explained we should offer both. So we made an appointment, I told her if she wanted to just drop off the paper work I could get it into the computer and then we can finalize everything during the appt. She agreed. She came in the next day and dropped off her paperwork explaining to the CSR that they had an appt that Saturday but that I wanted to have the papers beforehand. And that's what ignited the CSR, she first said to the client that she did not know my schedule and would put her info into her file, grabbed the paper from her hands and tossed it on her desk with one of those disgusted sighs. The client was shocked and had asked her did I do something wrong? and instead of the CSR calming down.. she got loud and started yelling at the client, the client finally got up and left. The next day, the CSR calls the client to tell them that their tax return is done. WHICH btw was NOT, I had it in what we call the pending drawer, which basically means more info is needed, and nothing has been printed. So when the client got that message she was upset, she thought we had an appointment on Sat. am to discuss and go over, so she called the CSR, who then put her on hold for 20 MINUTES! WHO does that? oh and it gets worse.. the client decides, ok this is enough, hangs up and calls back. We have caller id..guess who won't answer the phone.. so then the husband calls from his cell and the CSR answers right away. He states who he is and the CSR does one of those disgusted sighs... he asks her to please don't do that... her response... I was just breathing! of course said with attitude.. so he confirms that we have an appt on Sat am with me.. and her answer is.. yes you're in the computer but I don't know what her schedule is. (again a blatant LIE)
So.. yesterday.. was Saturday.... and they were my first appointments for the day. I got in early to open up.. get things set up and going.. they came to the front desk, I went out and said hello, let me get your file.. we went into my office and had our meeting.. she had many questions as did he.. we went over the previous years return, she said thank you for taking the time to explain all of this to us. I told her that's my job, to help you understand and to know what you can do next year to help.. so then she says can I tell you about my hell. My stomach dropped, I thought maybe I had done something wrong, and I asked, is everything okay? She says its not been with you, you have been great its with "she says her name" and explains the above to me. BUT here's the edge to this all. When she explained how she came in to drop off her paperwork, and the CSR took attitude and grabbed the paper away from the client, and started getting loud.. the client shared with me.. "I did battle with cancer this last year, (her husband reaches over to her, both of them tears in their eyes) heck I almost lost it.. she then says.. I did battle with cancer and.. there was no way I was going to engage in a battle with that bitch"
I sat there.. apologizing.. at first dumbfounded at all that I heard her explain.. I went on to let them know that that is not how we want our customers treated, that I was sorry that they BOTH had to experience that kind of treatment. Needless to say she wanted someone that she could complain to.. so I gave her my district manager's phone number, and stated to the client.. if you feel you aren't getting a good response from him, here is the regional managers phone number. Sadly I know how this goes, I have had to handle many complaints from this CSR, and the district manager always seems to have an excuse ready for her behavior. I don't get it..
So I did what I thought best.. I comped her fees, I would have liked to have given them both free.. but figured I would leave room hopefully for the district manager to at least send some coupons or comp the husbands return too.

There is one thing I have learned.. and I was pretty young when I did.. probably about 8.. I realized that people ALL people are carrying something around with them that is difficult. I don't think there is a person out there that has had such a golden life. Unscathed by life whether its health issues or heart issues...

LOVE is a powerful thing! We are capable of showing love, being compassionate, doing good for one another, saying kind words! Since when does anyone have the right to give attitude like that to another human being! And I don't care how bad YOU'RE day is.. you don't get to dump on the next guy that comes along.. it isn't their fault either!!!

I wonder though.. will this CSR learn this.. I have a few people in my life that are like that.. I don't spend much time with them, because in all honestly I don't want that in my life.

I heard this story awhile ago.. was about this husband and wife, the husband would go out drinking with his buddies, stay out late, and he would bring the guys home. He wasn't abusive, just drank and wanted to be with the guys. So the guys go to his house.. as they have many times before, and he goes in to wake his wife, she gets up.. puts on her robe, and comes out and starts making food. This friend of her husbands is just astounded that his wife would get up at 3, 4, or whenever they got there because this was something the husband would boast about.. oh come over the missus will make us breakfast.. so his friend, goes to the wife and asks her.. why do you get up and make the food, why do you show him such compassion. Her reply.. because I love him, and this may be the only heaven he knows.

Why can't we all have that in our hearts.. to show compassion being kind, giving love instead of always looking for it, or taking it..


I feel I need to put a disclaimer on here.. in regards to those in abusive relationships.. there is no amount of compassion that will help the abuser, there is no amount of love that will STOP your abuser. The abuser is not fueled by LOVE, so showing love, doesn't work. and I am sure you have tried it and know this to be true as well.

I close now, feeling a little lighter.. sometimes its best to get your thoughts out there.. a sorting of feelings so to say.. haha..
starts here.. shower the people you love with love!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWnjEMbFFME


and for my babe.. thank you! it is sweet to be loved by you!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSQdRz-HlJw&feature=related

doing the math

Been thinking about what I have been doing.. with taxes and doing bookkeeping.. and I am thinking I am tired of working so hard for companies.. I did this on my own a few years ago.. had my own business and was doing well.. until the economy took a dump.. but now things are starting to turn around.. and with taxes.. here in Canada doing taxes and now with the US requirements for citizens to file, and yes I took that course again too.. learned alot.. thinking I can make some serious money.. just doing the math.. looking at maybe a franchise.. or buying one??
why not make the money.. for me.. LOL.. instead of my bosses..

The joys of learning

Yes.. learning is a joy, unless its a harsh life lesson.. but even that you have to kind of shrug your shoulders and say hey.. at least I am learning even NOW!
I understand with life it is all what you do with the knowledge you gain.. do you use it for evil or for good.. I tend to the latter.. there's enough evil in the world today.. anyway.. I have much to catch up on.. and sadly blogging was on my list.. figured I would update this a bit.. but too tax season is almost here and hey.. I might just be working 3 jobs for the next 3-4 months.. then down to 2 jobs again.. can you say go getter.. I think its more CRAZY! but whatever.. it is what it is.. and I am just going to try to go with the flow. It would be nice to get ahead in the financial area of my life.. so no complaints!
much happiness to you, and may the lessons you need to learn in life come to you in such a way that you are open to them, and that you can embrace them..
LIFE, LOVE and most importantly LAUGH!!!!