Not sure if you remember me writing about "the awakening" but today I had to read it again. So much is going on in my heart right now, and yes life is a journey and in that we have our life lessons and our experiences. Unfortunately both of those are kicking my butt. Which just means time to read that letter again. Each time I read it, because I am in a different place spiritually, there are things that jump out at me, each time something different. Today what hit me was the "you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO."
I can honestly say, that in my mind, guilt and responsibility go hand in hand.. and I know with reading this, maybe that's not right.
So time to open up the dictionary, come along on this journey with me.. let's get enlightened together!
guilt:
as a noun
1.the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2.a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3.conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.
as a verb (used with object)
4.to cause to feel guilty (often followed by out or into ): She totally guilted me out, dude. He guilted me into picking up the tab.
oh... look at number 2... a feeling of responsibility.. hmmm... now I have to look that up...
responsibility:
noun
1.the state or fact of being responsible.
2.an instance of being responsible: The responsibility for this mess is yours!
3.a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible: the responsibilities of authority.
4.a person or thing for which one is responsible: A child is a responsibility to its parents.
5.reliability or dependability, especially in meeting debts or payments.
AND
1. the state or position of being responsible
2. a person or thing for which one is responsible
3. the ability or authority to act or decide on one's own, without supervision
ok... so my responsibility is to my children, which I totally agree with, yet I feel like I have completely abandoned. And with that of course comes a huge amount of guilt!
I also am responsible for myself, for my (health)well being, and my mental well being. Now here comes the rub...I am responsible for me, yet, I have not been honest with myself. I had allowed for many years an abusive relationship to continue, I took on his responsibility, I minimized his actions, I became deaf to the insults, to the words and actions that were hurtful. I did that. I was responsible for allowing that to continue in my life BUT I was NOT responsible for his choices or his behavior or his actions. There was nothing I did that warranted his actions. (wow) you have no idea how huge that statement is right now.. I have always taken on the guilt of that.. the feeling that I wasn't good enough, that I somehow caused it.. that maybe if I was better, more caring, more understanding, more sympathetic, more.. whatever..the excuse I could make.. I took that on. YET..that's not the case.. now don't get me wrong here.. I am not going to go into the "victim" role.. cuz that's just b.s. I just need to look at this in the true light. That I can not take on someone else's responsibility. I can only take my own.... I have carried guilt with me for so long, since I was 8. I was sexually abused, and even at that age, granted the abuser had a lot to do with the thought process cause he had told me that it was my fault.. and now I look back and think holy hotdogs batman... I need to change some things in my head. I was not responsible nor was it my fault for the sexual abuse. I am responsible for ending an abusive relationship, and when I say abusive..remember that abuse does NOT have to involve physical.. abusive.. hmm.. another definition is needed!
adjective
1.using, containing, or characterized by harshly or coarsely insulting language: an abusive author; abusive remarks.
2.treating badly or injuriously; mistreating, especially physically: his abusive handling of the horse.
3.wrongly used; corrupt: an abusive exercise of power.
When you have abuse in your life, it affects your mental state of well being.. it changes who you are. I have to admit, over the years I have tried very hard to keep things contained. I thought or led myself to believe that I dealt with things. Maybe to a degree I did.. but I have to say..maybe I haven't dealt with it completely. How could I? When I have felt responsible and guilty..
This sure is a big can of worms..
I am a responsible person, I own my words/my actions/my thoughts. I know words hurt, and that hurtful words can do much damage. I know that people need love and acceptance, and the truth. But with the truth you must share that respectfully.
I am guilty of feeling responsible for others actions.
WOW.. lightbulb moment!!!
now to absorb..
What do I need to change: I need to be able to accept who I am..I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who I am or what I am. I need to love who I am. I need to learn how to stop putting my feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring my needs. That I deserve (having an issue with that word) haha.. I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect.
deserve
1.to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
verb (used without object)
2.to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.
Yes I am deserving.. as is everyone.. we are all WORTHY of being LOVED, to be treated with kindness...sensitivity and RESPECT!!!
ok tears now..I have much work to do...
thank you for reading..
