SAY...

Went to LA a few weeks ago.  Had a wonderful time in the sun, and warmer weather! While I was there of course in my rental car, cruising on the freeways.. and blaring the radio.. and on comes this song.  Say something... WOW.. talk about blow me away.. yes right there on the freeway.  Such a sweet song, sad.. but sweet..

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one, if you want me to.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love
Just starting to crawl.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
Anywhere, I would've followed you.
Say something, I'm giving up on you.

And I will swallow my pride.
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.
And anywhere, I would have followed you.
Oh-oh-oh-oh say something, I'm giving up on you.

Say something, I'm giving up on you.
Say something...



To be able to love like this.. to be able to know that they are the one, that they are the one you would follow to the ends of the earth.  To know that love is so much more than who we are, yes love makes us do things that normally we wouldn't... yes swallow your pride.. and what's even harder is to love and to have to say good bye to that love, to say.. i'm giving up on you.. love sure changes you.

My hope is that those that find love, know how truly blessed they are, and that they would never fear saying something! and to never give up especially when the two feel as one..

per chance to dream..

Dreams.. sometimes very welcoming depending on the content of such dream, of course if you wake up sweating, shaking and breathing hard (adreniline pumping) that's not so much a dream as it is a nightmare unless of course you consider the content.. why are you sweating, shaking and breathing hard.. haha.. yes there are other activities that can make you respond that way.  My mind seems to be more active while I sleep, I am sure that's not true but it sure feels like it when you wake up and feel very exhausted.  Waking up numerous times in the night does not help my disposition either.  Yes I can be cranky.. I can also be very quiet which can be construed as "in a bad mood"... funny how that works.  I had one of those restless nights again.. and my brain actually hurts right now.  I think its from the lack of rest..or maybe the one too many coffees to jump start it.. ha.. yes we do that to don't we.  Because we all know how good caffeine is for the body.. Sadly my mind wants to turn off.. it wants to sleep..my eyes are even heavy.. unfortunately the job doesn't allow me to sack out on the cot..or even to place my head on the desk and catch a few winks! 
I often wonder how many days I can go without a good night's sleep.. before I lose complete thought process... I have come close.. 3 days.. but then I became an emotional basket case.. oh such a pretty sight!

so on to another "awake dream" aka day dreams... yes.. I do that alot when I have had restless nights.. maybe that's my survivor mode kicking in.  Lotto tixs in my pocket.. picturing beautiful beaches with white sand.. warm sun shining down on you.. not a worry or care in the world.. oh yes.. and the hammock that sways .. calling to me.. the breeze from the ocean, the taste of the salt on the lips.. closing eyes again.. I can hear the lapping of the waves on the shore.. oh so sweet..

road trip by car

Yes I have to clarify what type of road trip..seeing how I have done some by motorcycle.  Thinking I might do that again soon.. work on getting a license.. anyway.. took the car to Princeton, British Columbia- took a walk along the Trans Canada Trail.  Was quite a lovely day.. sun shining, a few clouds.. the trail went along the river which was really cold.  Yes I had to stick my hands in it.  Not sure what that's all about but yes I need to feel.. the cold, wet, water.. and no I was not brave enough to take off the sneakers and wade in.  Figure my feet would have been numb in about 2 secs!  Saw a few deer, a hawk and a bald eagle.  Great views on the ride, alot of campsites that could be awesome in the summer!  Right on the river too. 
Back at work today, and again a beautiful day beacons... but I will have to bide my time for now.. will have to check those lottery tickets.. can you imagine!.. to be able to just go and do what you want, when you want, and not worry about if you can afford to! . Now that would be a dream!

eyes open

Yes it's been quite some time since I last did this..woohooo.. blogging.. not sure how most of you keep up with this..I find myself writing in my journal more then blogging.. some things you're just not meant to post on the internet.
Speaking of which, I find myself quite saddened by what I find out there.. for the world to see. There are some authors who feel like they are opening your eyes..making you more aware..which ya okay I get that.. but some things.. I don't want to see.. and sadly once you see it.. you can't unsee it.. it is too bad we can't erase our hard drive (brain) there are a few things I would like to undo!

So I started to read Dr. Phil's new book.. life code.. talk about an eye opener again!.. I too am a "pollyanna" type.. to see the good in people.  Guess that's why I find myself quite disappointed.  I think that people are generally good... seeing the good, doing the good things.. communicating clearly (okay that I don't do that well but I do try, at least I don't fly off the handle in an angry rage!) yes I shut down.. shut you out.. til I can sort out my feelings.. and sadly that sometimes can take a day or two.. and then I might sit with you and bring up how you hurt me.. or disappointed me.. now that I think about it..there are times when I don't bother..because I feel like the other person should know better... or.. shouldn't have gone there in the first place..if they TRULY care about me.. LOL!!! ya.. I know.. you should hear what Dr. Phil has to say about that in his book!!!  (assertive- need to learn!)

Never assume that someone likes you by their sweetness. Sometimes, you are just an option when they are bored.

I don't want to be any ones option, if I am not first choice.. then please move along!!! (my attempt at being assertive)... seriously.. please don't waste my time if you truly don't want to be with me..and I will most certainly give you the same respect. 

RIP

21 years ago today I lost someone close to me.. still think of her.. she was a wonderful person..heart of gold.. she touched my heart...and will be in my heart always..
thinking of you today..

my dance

"We are blessed with an incredible week, a lunar eclipse followed by a transit of Venus so close to the Earth that we can physically see her pass before the Sun. Venus brings to us guidance on how to evolve beyond the current consciousness on Earth, offering us from a place of loving sisterhood, an ability to see beyond what appears to be and into a more loving reality... during this week we can be lifted out of our stories deeper into reality if we allow it, but the trick is that we must surrender our attachment- to the why, the who, the where and the how of whatever drama is unfolding in our lives-to be lifted requires we let go of the weight of our own fixation on how we think things should be, so divine unfolding perfection can occur with grace... to do this we simply ask, may the beings of divine grace that love me unconditionally bless me now, lift me from my own struggle into the purity of my divinity, thank you"

yes this sounds an easy task... to let go of the drama, to the why, the where.. but I am having difficulty with the who. I guess that's because the "who" involved are those that I love with such greatness, such vastness its hard to describe a mother's love.. but I realize that when my children were younger, I was faced with an incident that made me look long and hard at how little I could do for them.. I know that God is the one that has them in His hands.. that He is capable of far more greater things that I could ever be.. My middle son had flat-lined on me at the doctors office, he had a hernia, doctors gave him medicine to relax him to attempt to push the hernia back... but what happened was..something they were not expecting either.. when I saw my child's eyes roll back into his head.. and he stopped breathing.. I told the doctor.. somethings wrong.. hes not breathing.. she didn't look right away.. I became louder and then finally she looked, stopped what she was doing and realized something was completely and utterly wrong... she pushed a button and before I knew it.. 4 other doctors, a crash cart and a pastor came thru the door. The pastor escorted me out.. I don't remember wanting to go..but I knew if I stayed it wouldn't help my son.. so yes.. against every GRAIN of who I am.. I left that room.. in tears.. to the room next door.. my knees hit the ground pretty fast.. and I remember clearly praying.. very earnestly.. so much clarity hit me in those moments....my prayer changed.. from desperation and sheer agony.. to a calmness that chills me to this day.. in my heart.. I knew that my son was in God's hands.. and that I had to say.. YOUR WILL BE DONE.. and truly mean it.. I know that God is one of love, but I also know that those children that I have been blessed with .. they are NOT mine.. they have been given as a gift.. to cherish..to teach.. to love.. I learned that day... that sometimes the best thing to do.. is to allow GOD to do what He does best...
and here I am faced with yet another challenge.. to once again.. let go.. and let God.

This last week, I have experienced a couple nights of waking at 3am..once it was 4:30am and its like clarity has hit me again.. all those questions in my head.. have answers... and yes.. like most.. I didn't like the answers.. so what happens.. a struggle.. yes.. I want my way.. I have to learn to let go.. letting go..does not me that you don't love.. it means you love so much more than you thought.. because ultimately it is for our best..

There is much drama right now.. and if I continue in it.. I don't know if it will be a good outcome.. but then too.. if I let go.. again.. I don't know the outcome.. amazing how your faith gets tested.. sometimes I wish we could see how it all would go, but then.. you would miss the dance..



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q2WcWLavw5U

a growth spurt..

Not sure if you remember me writing about "the awakening" but today I had to read it again. So much is going on in my heart right now, and yes life is a journey and in that we have our life lessons and our experiences. Unfortunately both of those are kicking my butt. Which just means time to read that letter again. Each time I read it, because I am in a different place spiritually, there are things that jump out at me, each time something different. Today what hit me was the "you learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO."
I can honestly say, that in my mind, guilt and responsibility go hand in hand.. and I know with reading this, maybe that's not right.
So time to open up the dictionary, come along on this journey with me.. let's get enlightened together!

guilt:
as a noun
1.the fact or state of having committed an offense, crime, violation, or wrong, especially against moral or penal law; culpability: He admitted his guilt.
2.a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.
3.conduct involving the commission of such crimes, wrongs, etc.: to live a life of guilt.

as a verb (used with object)
4.to cause to feel guilty (often followed by out or into ): She totally guilted me out, dude. He guilted me into picking up the tab.

oh... look at number 2... a feeling of responsibility.. hmmm... now I have to look that up...

responsibility:
noun
1.the state or fact of being responsible.
2.an instance of being responsible: The responsibility for this mess is yours!
3.a particular burden of obligation upon one who is responsible: the responsibilities of authority.
4.a person or thing for which one is responsible: A child is a responsibility to its parents.
5.reliability or dependability, especially in meeting debts or payments.
AND
1. the state or position of being responsible
2. a person or thing for which one is responsible
3. the ability or authority to act or decide on one's own, without supervision


ok... so my responsibility is to my children, which I totally agree with, yet I feel like I have completely abandoned. And with that of course comes a huge amount of guilt!
I also am responsible for myself, for my (health)well being, and my mental well being. Now here comes the rub...I am responsible for me, yet, I have not been honest with myself. I had allowed for many years an abusive relationship to continue, I took on his responsibility, I minimized his actions, I became deaf to the insults, to the words and actions that were hurtful. I did that. I was responsible for allowing that to continue in my life BUT I was NOT responsible for his choices or his behavior or his actions. There was nothing I did that warranted his actions. (wow) you have no idea how huge that statement is right now.. I have always taken on the guilt of that.. the feeling that I wasn't good enough, that I somehow caused it.. that maybe if I was better, more caring, more understanding, more sympathetic, more.. whatever..the excuse I could make.. I took that on. YET..that's not the case.. now don't get me wrong here.. I am not going to go into the "victim" role.. cuz that's just b.s. I just need to look at this in the true light. That I can not take on someone else's responsibility. I can only take my own.... I have carried guilt with me for so long, since I was 8. I was sexually abused, and even at that age, granted the abuser had a lot to do with the thought process cause he had told me that it was my fault.. and now I look back and think holy hotdogs batman... I need to change some things in my head. I was not responsible nor was it my fault for the sexual abuse. I am responsible for ending an abusive relationship, and when I say abusive..remember that abuse does NOT have to involve physical.. abusive.. hmm.. another definition is needed!

adjective
1.using, containing, or characterized by harshly or coarsely insulting language: an abusive author; abusive remarks.
2.treating badly or injuriously; mistreating, especially physically: his abusive handling of the horse.
3.wrongly used; corrupt: an abusive exercise of power.


When you have abuse in your life, it affects your mental state of well being.. it changes who you are. I have to admit, over the years I have tried very hard to keep things contained. I thought or led myself to believe that I dealt with things. Maybe to a degree I did.. but I have to say..maybe I haven't dealt with it completely. How could I? When I have felt responsible and guilty..

This sure is a big can of worms..

I am a responsible person, I own my words/my actions/my thoughts. I know words hurt, and that hurtful words can do much damage. I know that people need love and acceptance, and the truth. But with the truth you must share that respectfully.
I am guilty of feeling responsible for others actions.

WOW.. lightbulb moment!!!

now to absorb..

What do I need to change: I need to be able to accept who I am..I am not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who I am or what I am. I need to love who I am. I need to learn how to stop putting my feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring my needs. That I deserve (having an issue with that word) haha.. I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect.

deserve
1.to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
verb (used without object)
2.to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study.


Yes I am deserving.. as is everyone.. we are all WORTHY of being LOVED, to be treated with kindness...sensitivity and RESPECT!!!

ok tears now..I have much work to do...


thank you for reading..