Yes it's almost that time of year.. the tree is up, no stockings hung yet.. still need to get some shopping done. I am heading to Los Angeles for a week... was hoping I was going to hit some 80 plus temps.. but will have to settle for 70's. Staying at a hotel that has a pool and jacuzzi, and of course a gym.. hoping to get some time in there.. looking forward to doing some shopping, spending time with my kids. I have to admit, living north of the border, and it being so dang cold its hard to get motivated when your freezing your tushie off.. haha.. yes I said tushie! ah well..

I did have a surprise the other day from my dear sweet bf.. I came home after a long day.. had class then had to work. Work wasn't bad it was the class that seemed to last forever! (taking a tax course) anyway I passed the course-still waiting on the results of the 2nd class.. so we'll see (fingers still crossed) anyway.. coming home is always something I look forward to. It's such a joy coming home to someone who wants to see you and spend time with you.. anyway.. he surprised me with flowers!.. (I know! too sweet!) and then.. he shows me his 2 packages he bought.. wrapped for Christmas, and the part that I adore is how excited he is.. he's all..you want to open them? you want to open them NOW? LOL.. YUP a big kid.. and I LOVE that.. cuz really I am like that too.. when I buy something for him that I know he's gonna love, I too want him to open it right away!.. haha..
So one of the gifts he did give me was a beautiful heart necklace!.. on the heart has a infinity on it.. I had to hold back the tears.. I was so touched by the thought that he put into it.. I love the romantic in him.. yup... I love him..

and I am going to miss him next week, I love being with him..I love the fact that we don't have to "do" anything.. just being with him, he makes me smile.. I will try not to gush too much about him... its nice to be able to be with someone that just enjoys.. enjoys being with you as much as you do them!

So as much as I am looking forward to going to LA... I am looking forward to spending another Christmas with my dear man...

11.11.11 looking back

I am a numbers person.. and I do have to admit.. that I took note of not just that date.. but when it was 11:11 am and then the pm again... its the same thing on my truck.. I watch the odometer as if something miraculous might just happen when it turns to an even number.. or when it hits the 150,000 or 160,000 not sure what I think will happen.. but I do take note of where I am at the time of those significant counts.. like it really matters.. LOL.. it doesn't I know this.. but do you ever think about big moments or maybe the not so big moments.. and you just want to etch it in your memory.. take note of the who, the where, the when and the how of it all.. ya.. that's me.. sometimes.. haha..
Feeling a bit off lately.. not sure if its the holidays coming up.. or just the whole time change.. getting darker earlier.. or maybe its something a lot deeper..but then.. do I really want to dig..?? sometimes when I do that.. I find things that I really don't want to find.. or have to face.. it's not that I don't have the courage to face certain things.. its having the strength to change those things that you don't like.
ah.. feel like I am rambling now.. this is what happens when you can't sleep.. and thoughts just keep coming in your head... silly movie on tv.. that I am half paying attention to.. cat snoring on the couch..
you think that's funny?? you should hear me snore!.. now that's funny.. and a bit disturbing if you're the one being kept awake by it..

have you ever been in a situation where you have people talking bad about you? they make up blatant lies.. just to make themselves look good.. or to feel better.. whatever their reasoning is..

do you over analyze where you are in your life? do you have a 3-5 year plan? are you open to what comes along.. or do you stick to your plan?

do you think outside the box when it comes to your life? or is it more along the lines of 2.5 kids and a house and a dog??

when you face adversity is it with a can do attitude.. or is the towel already in your hand?

and with this social networking world that we are in.. do you know all your facebook friends? or is it about the number of so called friends that you have listed? the one with the most wins?

do you value your time? your life? your friends? your family?
how do you show it

ever feel alone in a crowded room? or surrounded by people you know? yet you still feel very much alone?

ever wonder what other people are thinking? or what makes them tick?

how does your life experiences shape your attitude? are you more patient, or less forgiving?

how do you define yourself? is it the who you are..or what you are?

wow.. lot's in this head of mine tonight.. my apologies..
Guess I will be looking at these questions more closely.. ya.. that's my digging.

rants and raves..

Seems we are that time of the year again.. winding down.. year end almost here.. there is such a crisp coolness to the air.. you have to grab a jacket.. there's no going out without one now.. The leaves on the trees are changing colours and they are starting to fall... I enjoy autumn.. its just different..its the season that brings the most change.. and such beauty along with it.. soon we will be covered in a blanket of snow.. not that it will be warm like a blanket.. but what I mean is.. the snow that covers the once green grass from summer.. the plants that are now in sleep mode.. it covers them.. keeps them.. for me..these seasons definitely slow me down.. (and make me a bit heavier).. but hey.. keeps ya warm right?!.. I find it a bit harder to go thru these changes in seasons here in Canada.. it gets more gloomy than I am use to.. In California.. winter we still had blue skies..probably more blue in winter then in summer.. (less smog.. due to all the winds!) And there were days when it still got to 78 or even as high as 85.. there were some days in January that I was able to put on my bikini.. and lay out in the sun!.. yup.. miss those days!.. I guess that's maybe why I am feeling a bit mellow .. knowing that winter is coming.. and its just so gray.. even this week.. its been blah.. guess I should become a bear.. put on my winter weight.. and just go hibernate.. LOL..
time for a nap.. :)

STOP DROP AND ROLL!

Funny how this so applies to me.. I don't dare let anyone know that I am not okay.. I mean come on.. let's look at this.. I am in my 40's .. and sadly.. I have had many a knock downs.. and ya I know all the sayings..when life knocks you down.. or kicks you when you're down...you're suppose to wipe off the dust and get back up.. and do your best. or if life hands you lemons.. make lemonade.. or my favorite.. get the tequila..

I am just so tired of being knocked down..and ya.. life isn't easy.. I know this.. and it's not that I want it easy I just don't want to feel like shit anymore..

I had a friend tell me.. since my divorce was final that I need to learn who I am.. and to stop defining myself as wife and mother.. or daughter and sister.. well what is there.. I mean ya.. I know I am a good person.. I know I am smart.. well I thought or think I am.. but clearly even that this week I am questioning myself.. AGAIN.. and see that's just it.. how do we stop this.. when everything around us puts us in this box.. we are defined.. so how do I change this..?

Some days.. I get it.. I know who I am.. I know where I am to be.. just read this saying I have in front of my computer.. EVERY TRUE STRENGTH IS GAINED THROUGH STRUGGLE... well then I must be the strongest friggin person in the world.. cuz dang.. I have had alot of struggles in my life!.. LOL.. no really.. haha..

You know.. I look at where I have been.. what I have done.. and it's got me here.. with the knowledge that I have.. yet.. I question it all..

who am I?
what am I doing?
where am I heading?
when does the hurt stop?
how will this all go?

I know the how.. is the journey..and ya.. life is a journey not a destination.. aren't I just full of this.. all these sayings.. and yet.. here I am struggling..

every true strength is gained through struggle..

so maybe I am not as strong as I think.. cuz obviously.. still struggling.. which makes me then think.. I am not thinking right.. cuz if I think I am strong yet still struggling.. obviously.. I am oblivious!..

as they say.. if you think you're crazy you're not.. cuz you're at least concerned..or if you think you're losing it.. you can't be.. cuz you're aware.. who comes up with this crap anyway.. and why the heck is it in my head!!!

maybe that's just it.. I think to much.. haha..

all I know.. is I am tired.. and no not the sleepy tired either..

Kind of funny .. lately..that's all I seem to want to do.. is sleep.. one thing I am good at..

Need to stop allowing others to define who I am..
Need to stop looking at my circumstances as conditions of who I am..
Need to get some sleep.. this time.. ya.. it's the sleepy kind..

I need to find my TRUE NORTH!

Accountability and Common Sense

I just recently saw a video posted onto someone's facebook account.. and I have to say.. I was horrified at what I saw. This person posted a video of a dog, and a kitten who was chained up, and yes the dog attacked and killed the kitten! Of course my insides became enraged with such anger. And yes, I reported the video to facebook, but took it one step further.. I went to this person's info, and they had listed where they live so then I googled the nearest spca to the person and reported to authorities as well. Who knows what will happen. One can only hope that they can track him with his IP address. Seeing how there is so much information that is shared via the wonderful world wide web, have you seen the latest on the smart phones and how you can be tracked to your location via a picture you post on the web. I am just dumbfounded at the evilness of people in this world. At just how many sick (insert really bad word here) there are out there!.. When did we lose the accountability?? when did we become so stupid? how is it that something that should be used for information, can be construed to promote evil and harm!.. It truly saddens me... my hope in humanity..our ability to have compassion.. common sense .. where did it go?? Do we think we are anonymous when it comes to posting such horrific images?? do we really think we can do whatever we want, or feel.. without regards to others?? what has happened to humanKIND!!! where is the KIND!!!

So then it brings me to the next step.. how are we to protect our children from seeing such images.. ? is there such a thing as internet police? sure we have avenues to go after the pedophiles..sure we can use nanny net to protect certain websites from being accessed from underage kids.. but we all know they are easily to navigate around..

as you can tell.. I am still very angry.. and completely disgusted at what is available online.. and please please don't give me this "it's our right".. freedom of speech bs! you may be able to say it..but what gives YOU the right to take away MY RIGHT to not have to view such horrific images and videos!!!

Where is the responsibility.. the accountability.. and good old common sense!??

Summer was short and sweet, and sadly there were some things I was not able to do this summer. See my kids is one of them.. would have loved to have been able to spend some quality time with them. I saw them briefly in June.. just as school was ending.. the weather was amazing.. When I got back to Canada.. it still took another month and a bit before we had the warm temps. Would have loved to have done some camping, some fishing and hiking would have been nice.. but it just wasn't in the books. And here we are in the middle of September already... I have started the tax courses again, to get myself advanced... we'll see how that pans out.. this may be my last year here though.. I mean really.. who knows what tomorrow will bring.. maybe for me.. a winning lotto number..? hey I can dream!!..

Dreams.. ya..sometimes I allow myself to get lost in those.. ever sit and think about where you are? what you're doing? I have to admit.. I do that more often now... but when you are alone.. you have the time to dwell.. on things past, present and future.. I know my past got me to where I am today.. the present.. but in that.. I often analyze the who what where and why of it.. especially when you find yourself in that "not so happy place"... ah.. I guess that's life.. some days good.. some not so... the question is.. when its not so... what can you do about it.. is it something you can change?? what are the reasons behind the "not so happy"... sadly for me.. its not always what I have done.. but how someone else has made me feel.. usually by their actions.. or words.. funny how sometimes we do things.. yet we don't see how it might affect someone else.. or maybe we do and its our selfishness that allows us to steam ahead. Be careful who you plow over..

Most of us are pretty resilient, and can take a beating.. (not the physical kind) I am talking the emotional kind. We are still able to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off.. and make a go of it.. But there comes a time when you say enough of this merry go round.. and you just opt out on your own.. easier to deal with frustration when its your own doing.. not someone doing it to you...

Day 31 A picture of me